Stacey, Ink

I get a lot of comments on the tattoo, so for those of you that are interested, here’s the deal with it:

1. I really like tattoos.

2. I told Nathan that I wanted something trailing along my arm, like flowers and vines. Something that wasn’t easily described as being a picture of anything, but more of a design that flowed with my arm.

3. I wanted 3 flowers to represent the 3 major losses in my life: my dad, my sister, and the baby I miscarried the summer after my sister died. I didn’t want an out and out memorial tattoo, just a tribute.

4. The flowing layout was for me. I was painfully shy as a kid. I was gawky, geeky with coke bottle glasses and braces and a foot taller than everyone my age. I’ve struggled with my religion, my self esteem, my weight and every other personal issue I could come up with to finally get to a point where I am today. Today I like who I am and I don’t care what you think of me. It was a long, winding road to get here and I still have to fight to stay here some days. The tattoo reminds me of it, and it helps me.

5. Hello? It’s bitchin’.

Edit: I’m having a bitch of a time getting an image embedded in this post. You can take a gander here

ZOMG!

What does it say about one’s parenting skills when, upon discovery that in your rush to get ready for work you neglected to safely put away your favorite and most treasured *ahem* personal massager, your first thoughts are not, “Oh my god - I hope the kids didn’t find it. They’ll be scarred!”; but rather, “Holy fuck! I sure as hell hope the dog didn’t find it and destroy it!”

Yeah, that’s a bad parent, hey? Boy am I glad I’m not like that at all.

In Memoriam

Today is the tenth anniversary of my sister’s death, and it still feels like yesterday. A distant memory of the doorbell ringing at 5:00am woke me and my legs shook as I made my way down the stairs. My heart broke all over again at the thought of my mother on the other side of the door, sobbing.

But today she wasn’t there. A million miles have been traveled and a lifetime of memories have been created since that morning. Ten whole years since I’ve held her hand or heard her voice and yet I still think about her every single day.

I miss you Kelly. I know we didn’t always get along or see eye to eye, but I always loved you and I know that you loved me. So many things have happened in the last decade that I wish I could have shared with you - every sense of joy, every tear I shed and every mundane moment in between.

You taught me so much. I learned to let go and live while I can. I’ve stopped being so afraid all the time, although it seems like it’s always a work in progress. I know to appreciate what I have and stop worrying about what I don’t. I live my life for me and not to please anyone else or to fit into any particular mold and I’ve learned to take control over my own health. Probably the most important thing you’ve given me is my own voice. Now I can speak up for myself when I need to, and I will do anything in my power to protect those that I love including myself.

Thank you, Kelly. I love you.

Day 4

My baby’s coming home today! He’s coming home! YAY!

I went out with my girlfriend last night which was nice. I hadn’t seen her in a while and it was good to catch up, but I still didn’t feel like staying out so we came back here and visited for a while. I may miss people, but only MY people. I’m still a hardcore anti-social at heart.

I’m sick of myself … sick of looking at myself, sick of talking to myself, sick of being by myself. If anyone knows of a way to take a vacation from oneself, by all means, let me in on the secret.

Just get through today, that’s all I really need to do. Nothing like saving the worst day for the last. I was supposed to work my long shift and then it was a matter of going home for an hour to chill and then head to the airport to pick up Chris. Now I’m taking a brief detour to attend a funeral. Funerals are never fun, but attending one alone? I’m praying to all your assorted gods that I don’t have a nervous breakdown. That would be bad.

I’ve always found it harder to control myself at funerals of people I wasn’t necessarily close to. Usually what I think about at funerals is the people close to them that are left behind and the pain they’re in. My sympathy usually gets the best of me. At my dad and sister’s funerals I was very aware of peoples’ eyes on me and kept my focus on my mother and grandmother and being strong when they couldn’t. I don’t do public breakdowns. My pain is my own and I don’t like to share, but I tap into someone else’s and I lose all control.

That reminds me, I should pack some Kleenex in my purse.

I’m just a Lonely Girl, Day 2

Surprisingly, I slept quite well. Spent an hour in bed reading Christopher Moore’s “Lamb” and then shut out the lights, snuggled up to Chris’ pillow and drifted right off to sleep. I should probably mention that I did have a slight sleeping aid to help me though. It worked like a charm.

The dog only had to get up once in the night which was a bonus. I think he’s tired from being on duty constantly. It’s cute how he loves me so much.

So now I’m up and eating my breakfast before heading back to the gym and I’m reading through my usual sites, checking Facebook messages and what have you. I go to Chris’ page and read this post. I cried a little bit. God, I am such a girl sometimes.

This evening I did our taxes. Again. There’s just no way around it, we gotta pay up this year. Oh yeah, I sure know how to live it up.

I’m dying for a hug. The kids haven’t been online to talk to but I did exchange 30-some text messages with Chris and that helped, but I want to cuddle someone.

I guess I don’t fell much like writing tonight, either. My friend’s mother passed away a few days ago and I just heard about it and I’m thinking about her and the pain she’s going through.

I need a hug.

On My Own, Day 1

Yesterday we took the kids to my mom’s to stay for the week. This morning at 4am, Chris hopped in a cab and headed to the airport for his San Diego trip. I am officially on my own for the week. It may not seem like much to you, but I have never, ever spent the night completely alone. Considering what an introvert I tend to be, this is exciting and shall be an adventure.

Hey, I’m simple. I don’t try to hide it.

Shortly after Chris left, the dog, who is insanely protective of me, got nervous and left his post on the floor beside my bed and sat watch by the patio doors. Chris says that the animals become quite sucky and demand a lot of attention whenever me and the kids leave, but they seem fairly normal right now.

I got up, had some breakfast and made my way to the gym - nothing really out of the ordinary there, but I did come home and started to prepare for my shower. I decided to take a little extra time and just wander the house naked. I don’t particularly like seeing myself naked, but I’m alone and I can do it, so I did.

Music is blaring loudly. My music. All different kinds, one minute it’s London Quireboys “This is Rock and Roll” and the next it’s Beethoven. I am simple and yet so very complicated.

So now I’m home from work and I’m really getting a taste of being alone. It’s awfully quiet in here. I rented a movie to curl up with and I feel like I need a cuddle buddy. I’m a cuddle whore and not having anyone hug me or touch me for 4 days is going to drive me bonkers.

On the upside, I didn’t hear that grating Hannah Montana theme song even once today.

Firsts and Lasts

FIRST REAL BEST FRIEND: Jocelyn

FIRST SCHOOL: Cupar Elementary

FIRST CELL PHONE: was a 4 pound monster that I “won” in Rogers’ big push to have everyone locked into a contract with them.

FIRST FUNERAL: I’ve been to so many I couldn’t possibly remember which was the first one.

FIRST BIG TRIP: Europe, in grade 9

FIRST FIGHT: with my mom when she tried to put me in shoes that weren’t familiar

FIRST CELEBRITY CRUSH: Oh hell I can’t admit that one

FIRST TIME OUT OF THE COUNTRY?: European va-cay, 1990

FIRST REAL JOB: Dreamland Bingo, Fort Qu’Appelle - canteen queen

FiRST FACEBOOK FRIEND:either Keeb or Margo

WHO WAS YOUR FIRST ROOMATE: Chris, Kelly and Jenny

FIRST ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE YOU DRANK THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE DRUNK: Peach wine cooler and no, I still won’t go near them.

WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH??: Cathy. Anything to do with rebellion was with Cathy.

WHERE WAS YOUR FIRST SLEEPOVER: Jocelyn’s

FIRST PERSON YOU CALL WHEN YOU HAVE HAD A BAD DAY: Sam, Margo

WHOSE WEDDING WERE YOU IN THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE A BRIDESMAID OR GROOMSMAN: My cousin, Carla’s

FIRST THING YOU DO IN THE MORNING: whimper and slap the alarm clock

FIRST CONCERT: Skid Row/Aerosmith

FIRST TATTOO OR PIERCING: my ears

FIRST CRUSH: Apparently me and Aaron had something going on way back in grade one. He always was cute.

FIRST “REAL” KISS: Some guy. We were on a camping trip when I met him. I was 14 and he was 20.

EVERYONE HAS THEIR LASTS:

LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED: I get tons of hugs every day, last one was probably from Sky.

LAST CAR RIDE: home from work, 2 hours ago

LAST PHONE CALL: Chris

LAST TIME YOU WERE DRUNK: Would have been around Sky’s birthday. I refer to it as the “Asinthe incident”

LAST TEXT MESSAGE: was probably from Chris

LAST THING YOU TOUCHED: myself

LAST FUNERAL: Chris’ grandma’s

LAST TIME AT THE MALL: Last time Margo and I had a date.

LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Nobody’s Fool - Cinderella

LAST TIME YOU WERE EXCITED FOR SOMETHING: I’m excited right now - for getting my new tattoo! ooh! And for being on my own for 3 days next week!

LAST PERSON YOU SAW: I’m looking at Chris right now

LAST THING YOU DRANK: water, it’s all I ever drink these days

LAST TIME YOU WERE REALLY HONESTLY HAPPY?: Well I was pretty cranky today, but generally I am pretty happy

LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED: couple of minutes ago

LAST TIME YOU WERE REALLY ANGRY: yesterday maybe

LAST TIME YOU WERE EMBARRASSED: Anytime the focus turns to me in a group. I’m shy.

Mmm, Spicy Cock

It appears that tonight I have the humour sophistication of a 13-year-old boy. *shrug* Bite me.

The Shoes That Broke The Camel’s Back

It all started several months ago; he had stumbled across them online and the attraction was instant. He was hesitant to share his new interest with me for good reasons. It was a love I could never understand, one I would be completely against and most surely not a relationship I would ever condone. After seeing him pine away for so many months pity softened me. After all, I did love him perhaps I should make an effort for his sake. This past week the opportunity arose and for the first time he was living his fantasy, his naked flesh sliding in deeper and deeper to seek the solace and comfort of their grip. I could tell he was nervous as he wriggled and pushed in with a slight grin on his face. Relief washed over him as he found the sweet spot and he could tell that he would not be disappointed in this union.

I sat there, watching silently as horror washed over me. I had dared to hope that he would get them on and discover that they were nothing like his boyish imagination had conjured; that maybe he would find his toes desperately oppressed and terribly separated in a manner that would just be too unbearable to tolerate. I had pictured a much different scene, one of horror and disgust finished with an immensely fulfilling, “I’m so sorry, Dear. I was so wrong and you were so right.”

But no. He didn’t even get the second one on and I already knew that they were coming home with us. In a mere instant I had lost him. Nothing I could say or do, no amount of begging or pleading or bargaining could change his mind. He was making this purchase whether I approved or not. I die a little each time I see them as I walk through the kitchen. They sit there, taunting me, teasing me about how they changed the dynamic and I weep. Oh, how I weep.

Blatantly stolen from Taysha

1. What’s the connection between you and the last person that called you?
I don’t do talking on phones. Most people connected to me know this.

2. Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
Not usually, but I do ignore it frequently.

3. What happened at 10:00 am today?
I had a shower. It was great.

4. When did you last cry?
I dunno. Probably the last time I had pms.

5. What is your favorite thing to eat?
yogurt

6. What do you want in your life right now?
For my renovations to magically be done.

7. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
Neither, I just get wet.

8. Do you wear Crocs?
Sadly, I do wear my kid’s just because they’re convenient and only around the house.

9. What do you smell like?
Absolute sex. No really, that’s the name of my perfume.

10. What’s your favorite Gatorade flavor?
*gag*

11. What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
Besides Chris, a big fluffy duvet.

12. Do you still talk to the last person you spent the night with?
Yup yup

13. What’s the nicest text in your inbox say?
“Well its 5 mins into monday here. Happy birthday Stacey. I hope this year is an excellent one for you and your family. Thank you for being my friend and thank you for being my other sister. Loads of love sent from the other side of the atlantic from some cunt in england” - from one of my best friends, Sam on my birthday last year. I had to save that one.

14. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
I try not to.

15. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
Nopers

16. What was the last movie you went to see?
Damned if I can remember

17. Do you have Justin Timberlake music on your iPod?
NO

18. Do you live near your ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
No

19. Can you sleep in jeans?
I have before, don’t intend to again.

20. Are you a cuddler?
Hells yes. I’m a cuddle whore.

21. Do you still have feelings for your first love?
Is remorse considered a feeling here?

22. Something you just don’t understand?
Guitar hero. You people look silly.

23. Where were you on July 4th, 2007?
I didn’t do it, nobody saw me do it, you can’t prove anything.

24. What does the last text message you received say?
Again from Sam: “I was just running up the escalator in the station and fell flat on my face. 2 old ladies helped me up in front of about 50 people. As I fell I shouted the word cunt. The two grannies admonished me for my language like i was 6 years old. Was quite funny and i felt like a right twat.”

I love messages from Sam

25. What did you reply?
Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Are you ok?

26. Who was the last person you were in a car with that is under 20?
under 20???
Skylar

27. What is the last thing someone bought you?
People don’t buy me things.

28.When was the last time you saw number 3 on your top friends?
About an hour ago.

29. Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Definitely

30. Do you trust people easily?
I trust no one.

31. Do you say “dawg”?
Um, no. I’m far too white for that.

32. What are you proud of?
My kids

33. Have you ever dated someone named derrick?
No, but like Taysh, one did ask me out. I refused based solely on his name (and the fact that he was a loser).

34. Who was last to cook for you?
My hubband

35. When you sleep do you dream about heroin addicts?
gosh, not so far but I probably will now!

36. What was the highlight of your day?
right now. the fact that it’s almost over.

37. What color is your underwear?
stripey

38. Name someone whose name starts with the letter “R.”
Ryan <– easier to leave Taysh’s answer, and hey I’ve already stolen this whole questionnaire, why stop now?

39. Do you care what others think about you?
No but yes but no.

41. What are you doing this weekend?
shopping, visiting people

42. When is the last time you drank alcohol?
a few weeks ago, it didn’t go so well

43. Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years?
Ummm…

44. Will you ever hug the last person you hugged again?
Yes

45. What do you look forward to in the next 3 months?
‘Go’s birthday, then Keeb’s birthday, then MY birthday which includes tattoos and hot tub party!

46. Who was the last person you called?
Again, I hate phones so it was something work-related.

46.Who was your last missed call?
Dunno, don’t really care either

47. Who’s the most annoying person in your neighborhood?
The crack addicts across the street.

48. Do you plan on moving in the next year?
Nah not when I’m doing all these damn renos

49. What were you doing at 9pm last Friday night?
Wishing my husband was at home or that I had a life.

50. What brand of eyeliner do you use?
I don’t recall.